The Story That Doesn’t End When You Leave

For the last three years, I carried a secret weight, one I thought I could hide from the world. I survived intimate partner violence, and like many survivors, I carried not just fear, but shame. I knew, deep down, that what was happening was wrong, that I deserved better. But fear, control, and the paralyzing weight of shame kept me frozen.

Shame is insidious. It triggers a freeze response in the body, a biological survival mechanism that tells us to stay still, stay quiet, stay safe. The problem is, freezing is then judged not only by ourselves, but by others, which only compounds that shame and makes leaving feel impossible. Friends, family, and even well-meaning strangers often ask, “Why didn’t you leave sooner?” They don’t see that it was never a matter of willpower; but a neurological survival response that leaves the body and mind trapped.

And leaving doesn’t make the abuse stop. Even now, years later, my body remembers. Sometimes my heart still drops into my stomach when my phone buzzes, a reflex from a time when danger was constant. Everyday moments sending a wave of terror I know is no longer rational. A sudden loud noise, a sharp tone of voice, or a familiar gesture can trigger memories that feel as fresh as the day they happened. These responses are normal. They are my nervous system reminding me of the past while trying to keep me safe. The trauma doesn’t vanish simply because the abuse ends. It lingers quietly in the everyday moments that everyone else takes for granted.

I share my story now not to dwell in the past, but to honor the resilience of survivors and to shine a light on the lasting impact of abuse. My journey has taught me that healing is possible, even when the scars remain. And it has shown me that our pain, as raw and lingering as it is, can become a source of purpose. Healing is not about pretending the past never existed. It’s about understanding the lasting effects and learning to navigate them while reclaiming our lives. As a wellness coach, I use my own experience to help others recognize and manage the subtle ways trauma can show up long after abuse has ended, in our bodies, our emotions, and even in the routines of everyday life.

I also want to honor the resilience of survivors. The fact that we survived, that we continue to show up for ourselves, our families, and our communities, is a testament to strength that is often overlooked. Our pain is real, but so is that purpose. And for me sharing my story is part of that purpose. By speaking out, I hope to reduce stigma, break the silence, and offer hope to those who feel trapped, unseen, or unheard.

During these 16 Days of Activism, I’ll be sharing my experiences, what I’ve learned, and the tools that helped me survive and reclaim my life. My hope is that by speaking out, others who are silently struggling will feel less alone, and those around them will learn to listen, believe, and support them through the invisible scars left behind.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, please know: you are not broken, you are not to blame, and you are not alone.